Fuckin
Don’t be a fuck-up.
Fuck-ups are the worst people ever. Guy fuck-ups are always getting hot girls because hot girls are attracted to haircuts and chaos and if you’re one of those girl fuck-ups, you’ll just end up having lots of sex because your life becomes a shit-filled sphincter of depression and sex is the only thing that soothes the pain. So yeah, if don’t like getting laid, then don’t be a fuck-up.
Pic via Only The Young Die Young
Math
BFF’s
Cher and Dionne were the blueprint for BFF’s: they hung out, shopped, talked about boys and partied. Those four things form a perfect circle – ‘the circle of life’. The only thing is, the real world isn’t anything like Clueless. Women are jealous, bitter and spiteful animals who will do anything to get higher on the ‘ladder of fabulousity’ than their peers. They’ll steal your style, your friends, your boyfriend – whatever it takes to crush you and make you feel less important.
Women + other women = a fucking disaster waiting to happen
Math
Having Sex
If you’re not having sex with a complete an utter whore-slut, then the three ‘pre-fuck’ dates where you try your hardest to break down your prey’s defences are pretty laborious. You gotta make em laugh, be confident, tell cool stories – it’s all too much pressure! Then when you finally get down to the fucking part, there’s all that sweat and high expectations and aborted babies to deal with. You gotta ask yourself, is it really all worth it?
Getting laid - the chance of catching aids x your partners expectations x having an aborted baby on your soul = I wish I stayed a virgin and jerked off instead
Fuckin
Being Black
Apart from making it easier to have sex with other black people, being black means you can blame things like not being able to get a job or ‘catch a break’ on the colour of your skin. You’re not incompetent or bone-idol, it’s just that ‘the man’ keeps holding you back. That’s called ‘racism’. Why won’t whitey let you be great? Oh and you’ll have cooler handshakes, better skin and more family members that won’t leave your house, too.
Fuckin
This girl is below the legal age of consent, should I still have sex with her?
You’re bored of having sex with your ‘legal-age’ partner, she doesn’t even bother to move - it’s like boning a corpse. She can’t even be bothered to scream your name and tell you that your penis is the greatest thing, ever. So why not go out there and snag yourself some nubile young snatch? Having sex with one of those is like finding out what that glowy stuff was in Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase. Nobody with any common sense would hold that against you.
Fuckin
Am I gay?
DUDE, How old are you? If you’re 18 or older, then you really should have nailed this by now. Actually, scratch that - most 6 yr olds have woken up and smelt life’s sexuality-latte, it’s pretty fucking simple. I mean, what makes you happy - dicks or Vagina’s?
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Math
Coming out of the closet.
Ouch. Now we get to the hard part. Unless your parents are fans of ‘Glee’, think Alan Carr is ‘cheeky’ or are comfortable with girl on girl porn, then they’re not gonna be too keen with their son/daughter proclaiming their love for the same sex. Parents are notoriously against queers and their queer lifestyles. They hate them, and finding ones who are cool with it, is like finding a Jewish guy who would fuck AND marry a black woman. Stuff like that just doesn’t happen.
Gay + Parents born pre 1975 x destroying any chances of continuing your family’s legacy = keep your queer mouth shut
Quick question: What is the meaning of life? I don’t have a clue, but whoever said ‘life is all about choices’ was pretty close to hitting the nail on the head. Every decision you’ll ever make about anything comes down to two different choices: ‘Math’ and ‘Fucking’.
Not to sound all American ‘infomercial’ on you, but some paths you walk down require you to sit down and ‘do the math’. You have to use your common-sense calculator to do ‘life-sums’ and what you’re left with is called a ‘decision’. Then you’ll know exactly what to do. With the hard part out of the way, every other decision you make in life will be simplistic and primal, kinda like sex. Actually, its nothing like sex, that sounds too complicated. ‘Fucking’ is way easier. You just plug it in and go.
Pic: Ellis Scott
